I didn't know where to put this so I thought I will put it here. Me trusty ol' friend. the blog. I just really need an umbrella. =( I get chest pains and I don't know what to do about them. I just really need an umbrella.

What the hell ... my past three posts were like, emo posts. -_-

This is stupefyingly nonsensical. I will stop now ladies and gentlemen.

And instead write to all my faithful readers of 1.5, about the theoretical underpinnings of anticipatory fixations and learning mechanisms in the brain.

And the 0.5 reader drops off the edge.

Sigh.

I don't hate the fact that I miss you.

I hate the fact that I don't know what I will miss about you. Or even why.

Heck, I just hate the fact that I'm emo-ing about this.

Come come my Lord - extinguish it with Thy powerful 'Smite Thee' point of a finger. You know I deserve it.

Hope we will never ever meet again and that you have a wonderful life ahead.

It's so weird to wait for you to text me.

So weird to replay our conversations.

So weird to kinda wonder what are you doing now?

So weird to punctuate everything.

So weird ... and slightly painful, to be affected like this.

Can't wait for this to go away - 2 more weeks.

It's really late and I'm really tired but I really wanted to jot this down.
It's been 3 years since I knew I wanted to do my PhD. I had no idea how or when but heck, PhD was the plan. And the fact that I am impressed that rhymed so much so that I would write it out in the succeeding sentence is proof that my supervisor should really re-look into hiring me.

I struggled a bit with identity and direction along the way - gave up a couple of times (I'm no Lance Armstrong people) and told God to go fug it cause I sure ain't fit for any PhD.

And now, I'm here.

Tomorrow I will be starting my position as Research Assistant/Teaching Assistant/Miscellaneous in the Psych department in Nottingham University, Malaysia. It's a position that is in sync with a 3 year PhD degree where I'm paid a modest (VERY) salary in exchange for work befitting of aforementioned positions (I worry with this whole 'miscellaneous thing but ...) AND a free PhD.

Yes ladies and gentlemen. You heard me right the first time.

A FREE PhD.

*chirp chirp*

I know ... amazing right?! Finances was a big hurdle when I decided that I wanted to do a PhD - grants and scholarships are available but for Malaysian Psych grads? Not so much. I could go overseas but I have to be helluva researcher and while my bark is like spit saliva manic, my bite barely leaves an indentation on the skin (working on it people, working on it - Jesus haven't given up on me yet yo').

A bigger hurdle honestly ... was myself. I didn't think (I still don't) I can do it - my lack of discipline, lack of focus, and .. I'm just one big LACK lah. I ostensibly refrained from applying and instead tried to look for jobs that would enhance my CV so grant/scholarship application would be easier. This lead me down some serious inner reflecting moments man. Also lead me to moments where I had to make decisions and I didn't always make the right ones. But by the grace of God (which sometimes He zaps with a pungent taste of irony), my parents often came through financially. My mom helped with a lot of my expenses so that I can eat more than just bread. A whole lot more actually. And I stay with my family where my dad covers the electricity, water and housing payments. Oh, and ASTRO.

Sure, they sometimes said difficult and hurtful things but financially, they came through. For that, I am grateful. Thank you mom and dad.

And now I am here. Beyond the weird semi-obsession with the Ivy League and with the mighty overseas unis, beyond the inferiority complex, beyond the difficult situation with my family, beyond my inept ways, beyond my shallowness ... yeah lah. Beyond everything la - I'm here.

Thank you God. I did again zero so I know I don't deserve this. So let me say the prayer I said to You earlier on this year.

Help me be faithful with what You have given me. Help me to contribute to the coming of Your Kingdom. Help me to not look at the other field and compare grass (sounds so daft God, compare grass), remind me at times I stray and forget why I'm here.

So I'm buckling up God, ready for the ride.
Here's to a new point in life tomorrow onwards ... where I am always with You.
Semenyih, bring it on.

love,
sheryl

Haven't written in a while.


"Humble King" - Brenton Brown

Watched a video posted on friend's blog and the familiar worship song kinda brought it all home.

It's mid year review folks - one musical, loads of new friends, loads of family drama, a new job and the beginning of a new phase in life later, we are at June.

For the past few months, I have been haunted by my past self - stuff I've said or I've done - and it's not happy haunting y'all.

I am struggling with accepting my crappy part - it's pretty ugly.

Again, not glorifying - just kinda expressing.

So many plans for the other half of the year - kinda forgot you God. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for not seeing You.
Have been a bit too preoccupied with myself.
Here's to Your Kingdom. I still want to learn, my King.

Sheryl

I've been in rehearsals in and out for the past month - 'crazy' to describe it is a slight understatement.

Continuously thinking of rehearsals, my character, the dialogue, the lyrics, the songs, rhythm, palmas, choreography ...

Thinking of the strange forced atmosphere of congeniality the whole cast has been placed into without the necessary time needed to get to know each others working styles or personalities or characters ... and thinking of the fact that even despite such, the lack of awareness of regarding the absence of consistent working culture that will assist in easing the awkwardness by replacing it with clearer sense of professionalism (i.e. leave the words 'love' and 'care for you individually' and the weird tears behind please) ....

It started out fun but it's wearing me down - I don't wanna do it anymore. I seriously wouldn't mind if given the choice to walk out on it ... I get anxious before every single rehearsal because I'm afraid of being shouted at or sworn at; I start my acting and singing worried that the actor beside me ain't keeping time when they should; I start worrying whether I'm keeping up with the others when I should; the inconsistency of details make me lose focus and wonder why these details are not ironed out ...

The random hugs and 'I love yous' that replace a sincere handshake or the words 'Thank You' puts me off ... 'I love yous' are meant for people you love or did I miss that memo. The random shouting ... heavens, the random shouting! And then the incredibly inappropriate account for it by claiming that it use to be worse before and that even despite the shouting, there is love or that the shouting is called for. The shouting is NOT CALLED FOR. Neither are the 'fuck' words.

But for all this, I am glad for one thing. At least now, I know I am not meant for this.

I won't be doing this again in a long time.

I will officially be in my late 20s this year - wow.

Happy New Year everybody.

I really wanted to talk to someone tonight - but with so much background to the heaviness I feel, I felt trapped.

So I did what I haven't done in a while - I thought I would write what my heart feels on me trusty ol' blog.

It's the new year, I now have to practice writing '10.

I'm also unemployed. Also aimless. Also a little lost with my family.

I'm mostly scared about my unemployment - it's only the first day but memories from my previous unemployment haunt me, making second time round turn bad pretty quick (because you know the desperation that is lurking round the corner).

I decided to quit my job because I needed to move on (again) with my plans for my post-grad. But yet again, I have no definitive plans because:

a) Not super sure of where I want to go
b) Post-grad topic
c) Finances

With all these questions weighing on my heart and mind, I feel really lost and identity-less. So weird because during these moments, I go all "What does God want me to do?" "What is His will for me?". I also go all Godzilla on my self-esteem.

I ask these things in a manner as if He is to be blamed for my current sesatness.

But God, I don't blame you, I'm not here to blame anyone (not even me). This is the path I have chosen, not because of some giant divine persuasion but because I like doing academia and therefore, I chose it. Yes, there have been a few setbacks where a few have been due to my own incompetency but now, no time for regrets or self-pity. Now, I need to work on what you have given me.

My 'question' is ... help me be faithful to what you have given me. Please grant me strength and tenacity. When I sit with you - around the house, or at a coffee shop, or a bookstore - tomorrow, wherever I may be, help me think of a few directions. Help me think of at least three tmr, help me set a timeline, and help me find requirements.

Help me then prepare a template and fill the template will all these information.

For you clothe the lilies in the field; surely, you are with me.

For all my shortcomings, I ask for your hand of guidance.
Happy New Year, ol' friend.

love,
Sheryl

Wow.

It's been a year. I'm turning a quarter of a century tomorrow. Mid 20's. 0_0

Gratitude - theme of the season.
Don't look back Sheryl, no regrets. =)

Sheryl

JeA(Brown Eyed Girls) & Lee Young Hyun(Big MAMA) - Harmony (OST)