Last night's lifegroup session was pretty good. Wanna write this down before I forget.
We were talking about living as good examples to others as a reflection of God's goodness and grace and I was like "I'm not a very good example of God's grace or goodness. I'm kinda like ... a bad example even."
One of the newbie lifegroup member then said something which made sense. Simple yet very profound. And I generously paraphrase:
"It is not about behaviour when we are Christians because behaviour-wise, we will always fail and fall. But it is more about your thinking, your mind. When you have God, your mind follows God. You decisions, your intentions and the direction you want to take - all will have God basis."
I started to think about what he said. While the mind or one's thinking should not exist entirely isolated from behaviour (dangerous), there is a very clear sense of how this fellow lifegrouper sees God i.e. he sees his identity in God. Which is why God doesn't talk about renewing behaviour, but God says He renews our mind (Roman12:2) so that our pattern of thought will not follow this world's pattern of thought.
Fellow lifegrouper gave an example of how he once had a 'weak' mind - that he did not really have a firm belief in many things and that he lacked solid principles thus often 'giving in' to others. While noting that his behaviour is still reproachable in many aspects, following after Christ has taught him to say his mind and to stand up for what is wrong.
My thoughts after this were about my life, my career, my choices. My direction in pursuing an academic career is a product of my own hand-in-hand moment with God. This decision requires steadfastnesses, long-suffering and planning which I must commit to and for some reason, I seem to know that my fervency in pursuing this path isn't about the end itself. While not many see this journey very viable (financially especially) or that I am capable of such tenacity nor the competency required for it, I choose it because I know I have God. I know that when I made my decision to do this, the journey was what mattered more. In that after-thought, I understood what fellow lifegrouper said when he said about finding your 'mind in God'.
I'm still thinking about my parents. Need more time to chew on it so perhaps the next post.
Something one does when it's 3:15 in the afternoon and you wanna get back at your boss by doing nothing for her (which is a stupid ploy cause in the end you have essentially just procrastinated work)
This is called 50 FIRST REACTIONS. Type what comes to your mind FIRST
whenever you see these 50 words. Don't think and don't go back and
change. Doesn't matter how random it is, just type it! Repost it for
all of your (bored) friends. Consider yourself tagged if you are
reading this!
1. Beer: Chow.
2. Food: Everything.
3. Relationships: None.
4. Your Crush: is faraway.
5. Power Rangers: Go, go!
6. Life: Damian Lewis.
7. The President: of South Korea.
8. Yummy: Mummy (look, it said first reaction so that was my first reaction)
9. Cars: Disney.
10. Movies: Reel.
11. Halloween: Jack-o-lantern.
13. Religion: Fez (red muslim headgear)
14. Hate: Ate
15. Fear: Factor
16. Marriage: Carriage
17. Blondes: Reese Witherspoon
18. Slippers: Thongs
19. Shoes: Jogging
20. Asians: East
21. Pass time: Read (but we know I am lying)
22. One night stand: Damian Lewis!
23. My Cell Phone: is scratched badly.
24. Smoke: Salmon
25. Fantasy: Final
26. College: Varsity
27. High school life: Musical?
28. Pajamas: in Bananas (ahahahahaha)
29. Stars: Switchfoot
30. Center: of the Universe
31. Alcohol: Absolut
32. The word love: Warm and stable.
33. Friends: Grateful.
34. Money: "... must be funny ... in the rich man's world." (Abba)
35. Heartache: Painful.
36. Time: does heal.
37. Divorce: Painful.
38. Dogs: 2 please.
39. Undies: Polka Dots.
40. Parents: Painful.
41. Babies: 2 please.
42. Ex: Fed Ex (not trying to be lameo, but that was my first reaction - really)
I woke up today and for some reason, I suddenly realised I could finally talk to you again. That I could e-mail you and ask how you were and really want to know. That I could hear news about you and your mini endeavours and think that it's good you're trying new things. I could say 'Hope to see you soon' and really mean it. And that when someone else talks about you, I can participate in the conversation with genuine interest. If you ever get into rut, I could sincerely pray for you without it being an obligation.
And that now, my heart can finally can think well of you.
It's been a long while and I was so tired of my bitterness and hurt. I thought I will never get here. But for some reason, I woke up today and knew it was gone. I don't know how or when it happened, but I am glad it did. Took some time, but I've finally reached.
So now, I can smile when I think of you. You probably will never know how badly I wanted to be able to - I am very glad that I now can.
Thank you for replying my e-mail. Perhaps in a while, we can start calling each other friends again.
The part where the dude says about Christians living out their faith and that becoming the powerful draw upon which gravitates people towards us (i.e. "Gosh she's happy - I want what she's having" "He's really got his life sorted out." "He's at peace with the world, he's not griping - I wanna know what he knows.") ... I'm always out of sync with those comments.
Mainly because I damn well always gripe about my boss ... I'm not at peace with the world ... I sometimes shoot the sharpest and most hurtful words in completely unnecessary situations. I feel very stunted as a Christian almost 99% of the time. (1 time out of 100 times, I don't feel like a cripple in the maturity department. Maybe incompetent, but not crippled).
There is this weird, 'unverbalised' competition in me head about 'Who Is The Better Christian'. Give more, bite your tongue more, Length of Suffering ... all that crap. Honestly, it's always me versus me and for some reason, I always lose. I always lose. I go into 'Ok, let's become this Super Christian so that you create this gravitational pull upon which others will get suckered into' mode and while I'm busy trying to make light shine out of my a$$, I also go around trying to clean up the mess I made by picking up all the broken pieces of me lying around.
I am no 'shiny happy people' .. no wait - shiny, maybe. Like polish. Like wax.
But shiny as in perfect, I can't be. I wonder - is my Christian life so shallow that I am consumed by the need to portray my packaged understanding of goodness above the need to live my life working out my salvation?
There's so much more than empty conversations filled with empty words
When I went to the UK to study, I had bouts of immense loneliness. I would budget my transportation expenses in order to do a monthly trip to Greenwich. There I would walk by the National Maritime Museum alongside the riverfront, taking in the breeze, the view of the river and the sunset if I lingered on longer. It became sort of a private meeting place between me and God.
I would sit there and think about uni, friends, family and life in general. And I would miss God terribly because I couldn't explain the loneliness I felt. I remembered a sense of understated desperation I felt, mixed in with thankfulness for being in London and being able to still have these glorious, quiet moments.
I've forgotten about those moments.
My colleague was playing Switchfoot's 'On Fire' and all those forgotten memories rushed back into my heart. I used to listen to it when I walked down the riverfront or when I had a cup of tea in the pie and mash shop because I liked listening to the lyrics. I used to listen to it because it helped verbalise my loneliness. I forgotten those very private moments I use to have with God. Missing God wasn't always a bad thing.
I think perhaps I will go to church tonight.
Switchfoot's "On Fire"
They tell you where you need to go They tell you when you'll need to leave They tell you what you need to know They tell you who you need to be
But everything inside you knows There's more than what you've heard There's so much more than empty conversations Filled with empty words
And you're on fire When He's near you You're on fire When He speaks You're on fire Burning at these mysteries
Give me one more time around Give me one more chance to see Give me everything You are Give me one more chance to be... (near You)
Cause everything inside me looks like Everything I hate You are the hope I have for change You are the only chance I'll take
When I'm on fire When You're near me I'm on fire When You speak And I'm on fire Burning at these mysteries These mysteries...
I'm standing on the edge of me [x3] I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before. And i've been standing on the edge of me Standing on the edge
And I'm on fire When You're near me I'm on fire When You speak (Yea) I'm on fire Burning at these mysteries... these mysteries... these mysteries Ah you're the mystery You're the mystery
What's with the linking of videos of late? Youtube + slacking at work = loads of video-time.
If only I had a brass band at my disposal. The things I will try out. For once, maybe a proper full-fledge revamp of 'Lord I Lift Your Name On High'. Muahahaha...
And let's throw in a few random hot latin dancers as well.... why not.
Short one. Sometimes, I miss the people I have left behind - I feel a whole mash load of guilt and weird longing. But some parts anger. I suppose it will pass.
I don't think it wasn't entirely their fault - but I guess I didn't have the stamina to pursue the friendship as ardently as I once would have especially if the other party doesn't respond.
You spoke to me as if your heart will burst at being wronged. You spoke to me as if people didn't understand you. You added a feel-good factor by implying I did - I bought it a little but not in a big way. Good thing. But the proverbial adage rings true: out of sight, out of mind.
I felt cheap. Replaceable. Like recyclable plastic.
I tried to hold on with as much as I could muster myself too ... but I don't like to beg for companionship or love. No need for me to make myself cheaper.
You seem so pretentious. You are a fading echo of what I saw you to be ... but who am I to play Jesus?
Our friendship must have been more of an accessory to maintain then anything else - you only serviced it when needed and once out of 'fashion', you upgraded. You upgraded into a 2.0 version complete with a southern texas drawl. You probably didn't even know the capital of texas two years back.
Wishlist: Humility Matt Ridley's "Genome: The Autobiography of a Species in 23 Chapters" Yoon Do Hyun's Love Letter Later with Jools Holland Big Mama live Yoon Do Hyun Duet Norway And of course, Korea Laughing Gas Julie Andrews Wayang Kulit Making and Flying a Wau to say sorry to Amah and Max
